Faith and Fate

vanessa_plur @ 2009-12-23T21:07:00

2009-12-24T05:07:42Z

Oh diazapam, you are my friend.

devine

2009-11-23T08:13:07Z

Found me a therapist! woot! So glad I have someone to vent to that I don't feel bad for pouring out my baggage to. Thanks people for letting me do it while I had to. ANNNNDDDD I'm actually being productive with my creativity. Looks like I will actually accomplish something. I'm very proud of myself. I just needed a little push and I got it. It's weird that people actually believe in me. I'm glad they see things in me that I don't. It'd be CRAZY if I actually produced something. I could probably die happy if that happened. Even with all the stress going on around me I have enough strength to get me through this. I'm finding a good balance. I'm finding out who I am. I'm finding out who I want to be. Life gave me an interesting hand of cards. I don't think I'd change them because I wouldn't be the person I am. I like the person I am. Everyday I get a little better, a little stronger, a little more skilled. I'm excited about life. All those bad things I'm just riding with because I can't control any of it so that's all I can do right? Right. They will soon peak and then you have to move on. It will not stop me. Life is untimely. Life isn't fair. That much I have learned. I'm accepting of that. So make the best of it. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to squeeze out as much happiness out of the happy moments as I can and cherish them, and just take the sad parts for what they are and then learn what I have to learn from them and move on. Life is a journey and I finally have the right kind of shoes for it. AMEN.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-11-06T21:04:00

2009-11-07T05:09:34Z

I think this is the most stable I've ever been. I'm still human and have my bad moments and days but tomorrows always a new day and I've learned to take everything good and bad for what it is and try to find the positive in the negative. I think it's because of all my new perspectives. I'm gradually becoming more and more comfortable with myself. I like who I am inside. I don't give myself enough credit. I have to give credit where it's due. My friends have all been incredibly supportive even though they all have they're own things going on. I'm so thankful to have all of you people in my life. I've never been so driven and it feels sooooo good. I don't have anything to show for it yet, but I will and that will be amazing.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-10-20T18:27:00

2009-10-21T01:28:24Z

Some decisions are easier said then done. Old habits are hard to break. I'm gonna win the human race.

sick and wrong

2009-10-16T04:22:33Z

I HOPE I GET TO SEE BUILT TO SPILL! IT WILL BE A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE!

on that note. Intense emotional day that I dont know where it came from. I think it's just me trying to swallow everything thats coming and me just vomiting it up randomly. Like I said thank you everyone who hears my sad life story. Not to feel sorry for myself. I'm just overwhelmed and rightfully so I think. I think. Someone said I had the choice of leaving my baggage at the door. I think my baggage is apart of me. It's not like this all sprung up in my adolecence. My childhood set me up for this. I'm sorry. One day I wish to just let it all go though. As I was driving from foothill today sobbing from my nerves just being so shot, I realized. That might just happen once I become completely independent. Once I have my college degree, I have my own roof I'm paying for, because then I know I'm worth something. I have something to show for it. I can seperate myself from this childhood baggage. At that moment a huge weight felt lifted off my shoulders.

I had a magical phone conversation. Altruism might just be real.

and also I am damn tired of being called or titled crazy. Yeah, I know I have baggage. Yeah, I know I break down. Yeah, I know I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. But goddamnit for all the shit that I've had to and am currently dealing with in my life I'd say I'm handling it pretty damn well. I'd be a fucking saint if I never let anything get to me. Or at least I'd have to come from a damn stable family. Which I don't. Give me some fucking credit. I'll take the title for my actions three years and prior....but damnit, I think I've made some damn good process.

For those of you who know EVERYTHING that is going on in my life and EVERYTHING that is my situation given my past and all of that....tell me you wouldn't break every once in a while. Least I have the courage and the strength to put myself together again. Thanks to a lot of you. Thanks to myself. Thanks to my mother.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-10-08T14:51:00

2009-10-08T22:02:43Z

The selfish gene. My required reading for my physical anthropology class is a book titled the selfish gene by robert dawkins. I've only gotten through the first chapter but it basically summarizes what he's going to talk about. My teacher was referencing the book in class. Basically, evolution we learned in high school is wrong. They taught us that evolutionary changes happened for the greater of the species. That is not the case. The fact is that a helpful mutation happened to an individual and that individual was the fittest to survive and got to pass on its genes. Dawkins is making the argument that genes are therefore selfish; and being selfish is an evolutionary survival of the fittest thing. Makes perfect sense right?

So what my problem is that I do not consider myself a very selfish person. If you know me well enough or have spend enough time with me I'm sure you have heard me rant on about how people are so disloyal, undependable, and selfish. Well, perhaps this means I am not the fittest. Perhaps this means I will not survive. I will say that altruism is a great characteristic to have. I think I have learned that from my father. I can see how I have developed some of his qualities. I am loyal and kind like he is. I also don't deal with peoples bullshit, or give bullshit or in other words, I am blunt like he is. This has given him a tough, but trustworthy reputation and because of that he has survived a lot of things he probably wouldn't have if people didn't find those characteristics in him. I sometimes hear I have the same reputation. I find that these actions often turn into a I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine thing. Although seeming altruistic, is infact selfish. So maybe I'm not as altruistic as I thought I was. Doesn't make it a bad thing. Doesn't even mean anybody or myself is being manipulative. It's just the way the world works. I think I will really like this book. I like finding out how the world works. One more thing though, Dawkins says even though we are selfish by nature, does not mean we shouldn't TEACH ourselves and others to be generous and perform selfless acts. I think that is fair. I'm not ready to give up on humanity yet. I think.

I find it funny that I always end up taking classes or picking up random books or run into such life situations that .... suite me at the time.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-10-05T16:35:00

2009-10-05T23:38:55Z

my dad has cancer....fucking great. I honestly dont know what to say. I'm sure my thoughts and feelings about this will develop in the next months. They have to right? I'm way too fucking young to lose a parent in my personal opinion. I do want to thank my friends for being so supportive. I hope I dont fall apart. I really hope I can stay strong though this. I might not go to sf state because I dont have the heart to leave my mom alone here. Oh well...that's what you do.

Things to do SOON!

2009-09-25T01:05:56Z

Go hiking where I can see the most breath-taking view I've ever seen with a REALLY close friend(s) and meditate to do some self healing/discovery.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-09-18T19:05:00

2009-09-19T02:06:20Z

is wish I had a cabin in the mountains and could disappear forever. I'm going to disappear anyways. BLEH.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-09-15T22:58:00

2009-09-16T05:59:11Z

oh life. You are sooooooo funny.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-08-22T19:27:00

2009-08-23T02:32:36Z

so I got a phone call earlier today from my old boss telling me that my favorite old coworker died. They think it's suicide. I'm in complete shock. Just looked at his facebook and everyone is posting letters to him and posting old pictures of the good times. Man, honestly I would think he'd be the last person who would do something like that. He had the best laugh, the brightest smile, and always a joy to have around. He was def one of those people who lit up the room. He was one of those rare personalities that everyone loved. You couldn't help but like him. He made work fun when nothing else did. I'd only look forward to my shifts with him. The funny thing was I remember we once had a conversation about suicide and he said he didn't understand it. He didn't understand how people could do that. I dunno, but he will def be missed by everyone that came into contact with him. I wish his spirit the best.

1/4 life crisis

2009-08-01T11:02:26Z

Another one hah. I'm so tired of feeling unnurtured by my surroundings. I'm finally discovering what I feel is right. I have sooo many negative and toxic people around me and I dont know how to shake them. I can't shake all of them and that's just what it is. My art teacher told me I actually had talent and wants to work with me on getting a gallery. It felt so good to know I was good at something. Who knew it would be creative arts. It makes me feel driven and wanting even more to become a productive human being. I'm not that good with words anyways and I can apparently make people feel with my pictures. To be the only person in class to receive a very random and unasked for round of applause by my peers was so inspiring. To be blunt and oh so cruel with my words because I know no other way...I feel like I should just cut the people who have been giving me bullshit to work with. I keep saying I want out of SJ but I know people all over are just like this. It's our generation and what the world has turned into. That makes me depressed. As difficult as it is to break bad habits, I want to break away from this. I want to stop holding myself back. I need more inspiring, ambitious, driven, and nurturing people in my life. I'm thinking of becoming asexual simply because I'm tired of run arounds and being attracted to people who are bad for my sanity. I think I'm too young to know whats best for me in that area and I know no 21 year old male has anything to offer me at this moment besides a cum stain on my sheets.

Where do I start? Where is the end? Who really cares. I know where I want to end up, it's possible....If I only really want it and go for it. I think. I could just be repeating whatever my elementry school teachers tell us when we're young. "Reach for the stars" That might be bullshit, but I should try anyways because it beats selling myself short and winding up at a dead beat 9 to 5 with an unwanted kid and a husband not worth a shit. If only I could clone myself? I could do second best and try to pursuade the world that my ideas are much better than theirs but I doubt that'll ever happen haha ... a girl can dream though right?

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-25T02:53:00

2009-07-25T09:54:04Z

I wish I had my own place so 3 am wasn't so lonely.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-23T23:48:00

2009-07-24T06:49:10Z

pretty much out of my funk =]

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-23T14:20:00

2009-07-23T21:21:34Z

My father hasn't talked to me almost 2 weeks. Over something I didn't do wrong. Sound like a similar situation?

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-23T04:33:00

2009-07-23T11:33:17Z

It was for my mental health.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-21T19:44:00

2009-07-22T02:45:10Z

I'm soooo tired of not having a job. At the same time, I'd rather not have one. Why can't my parents be rich.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-20T22:32:00

2009-07-21T05:32:41Z

I think you make me your monster.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-20T18:12:00

2009-07-21T01:14:20Z

I need to make things happen because no ones going to do it for me. This little voice inside my head telling me I can't do it and I'll fail and I shouldn't even bother should just shut the fuck up. How do I make it shut the fuck up? I'm going to join my school's independent filmmakers club. I think this is the first club I've ever joined. I really want to though. It's specifically for networking and making shit happen. It's exactly what I need. I hope it's all that I hope it is.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-19T23:14:00

2009-07-20T06:14:37Z

You hit me once
i hit you back
you gave a kick
i gave a slap
you smashed a plate
over my head
then i set fire to our bed

you hit me once
i hit you back
you gave a kick
i gave a slap
you smashed a plate
over my head
then i set fire to our bed

My black eye guess
no shirt on
your all i see
no place
your slaps dont stick
your kicks dont hit
so we remain the same
well love sticks sweat drips
break the lock if it don't fit
a kick in the teeth is good for some
a kiss with a fist is better than none
a-woah a kiss with a fist is better than none

broke your jaw once before spilt your blood upon the floor
you broke my leg with your touch
sit back and watch the bed burn
well love sticks sweat drips
break the lock if it don't fit
a kick in the teeth is good for some
a kiss with a fist is better than none
a-woah a kiss woth a fist is better than none

you hit me once
i hit you back
you gave a kick
i gave a slap
you smashed a plate over my head
then i set fire to our bed

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-17T14:45:00

2009-07-17T21:47:36Z

So I DID get an A on my midterm! GO ME!!!! I went to the downtown art museum last night to make up an absence for my art class and went to Todd Schorr's opening night exhibit. It was EPIC! He a new favorite artist of mine and gave me some inspiration for my next art piece =] Now if only I could paint well.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-14T13:59:00

2009-07-14T21:01:55Z

I dont understand how some people can be so .... spiteful. It's just mean with no reason. Whatever though, I'm not playing along. Bleh. I do feel like dancing though. I got an A on my art project and I think I did REALLY well on my film midterm YAY!!!!! I can't wait to find out. I hope I dont have to burst my bubble.

vanessa_plur @ 2009-07-12T17:58:00

2009-07-13T01:03:42Z

I feel very uncomplicated again. I really like this feeling. I'm tired of being angsty and emotionally retarded. It doesn't make me less interesting and it doesn't make me less artistic. That I can be thankful for. I'm so thankful I have amazing friends. Friends that wont judge me for my low points. Friends who understand I sometimes I need to go a little too far with my feelings, they know I will return in a short amount of time. I'm glad I have the capability to return to this state of mind. I should be more appreciative of this, because I used to dread it because I thought it made me less artistic or less interesting. I've found my balance and I'm glad.

enough said.

2009-07-11T05:02:56Z

Well fucking liars, fucking cheats I need some space to breathe I've got fucking headaches, fucking pain I've been tripping right down the drain I got thieving friends and man I don't need that I don't understand where their heads are at They don't care and you don't care Why are you so fucking unaware Can't you see what you're doing to me? I found a way to dull the pain And I'm not going back to reality again I said I'm hanging out with the spiders and the snakes Just trying to forget about all of the mistakes Well my fucking girlfriends a fucking drag She's got things that I don't have She's fucking stupid, she's fucking dumb But she supplies the money and the drugs I got a fucking head and it's fucking dead I can't remember what I did or said I'm a fucking loser, I'm a fucking joke Trying to see the road through the cigarette smoke Can you see what you're doing to me? I found a way to dull the pain And I'm not going back reality again I said I'm hanging out with the spiders and the snakes Just trying to forget about all of the mistakes That I made... That I made... All of the mistakes, that I made... Oh

I might be in love with cranford nix jr. Too bad he's dead.

2009-07-11T04:17:51Z

Taking Klonopins on the bus I can feel my body rust Trying to get back to my little room So I can nod out lookin at the moon It's just something I'm going through It ain't a tragedy it's true You know I ain't got nothing better to do My girlfriends back in queens She's writing down all her dreams She says she's gonna be a star Oh dear, I really hope you are Because you're something we could all use Something pretty, something true You know I ain't got nothing better to do Ever since I was a young boy Since I was a little kid I wanted to go up to the sun And tell the stars just what I did On top of the clouds That's where I want to be planted But I guess if you're a bad boy Your wishes don't get granted Stoned on the fire escape I'm laughing at the whores on the street Suzie's praying I'm going to change Ain't no way this feels to great Its just something I'm going through It ain't a tragedy it's true Hey look what happened to little boy blue Would you still love even if I lose You know I ain't got nothing better to do